


Kevin's Night of Catharsis

by enifmiimfine (gahhhastly)



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Bisexual Kevin Day, CWs in author's note, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Fanart, Gen, I feel like that should be a thing, I really tried to make it not ooc but it turn into a projection palooza so idk, Kevin Day/History BF, Kevin healing and become his best self, Light Angst, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Canon, arospec kevin day, break up fic with a happy ending, who doesn't love kevin with a history boyfriend who's indifferent to exy?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26733517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gahhhastly/pseuds/enifmiimfine
Summary: Kevin arrives in New Mexico for a vacation with Thea and finds out she’s not coming. Also she’s breaking up with him. But it turns out that Kevin is okay with that, and for the first time in his life, he's okay with being alone.5 years post-canon, canon compliant, borrows from the extra content but also diverges a lot.Featuring: flashbacks to the worst moments of Kevin’s life, bisexual Kevin Day, Kevin’s first boyfriend, polyamorous Kevin/Thea, Kevin having 3 best friends (Andrew, Neil, & Allison),  Kevin developing healthy relationships, Kevin having realizations™, Kevin dancing to Harry Styles (with bonus fanart!), and more!
Relationships: Kevin Day & Allison Reynolds, Kevin Day & Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day & Neil Josten, Kevin Day/Original Character(s), Kevin Day/Thea Muldani, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29
Collections: Potential (Post-Canon Fox Stories)





	Kevin's Night of Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> CW: binge drinking, discussion of death (Kayleigh’s and Riko’s), non-explicit discussions of sex, brief mention of BDSM sex that results in bruising (again nothing explicit)

Kevin walked out of the gate at Albuquerque International Airport and started towards the exit before he remembered that he needed to collect his own luggage and find the rental car desk. He sighed and turned around, navigating his way through the airport. When he was traveling with his team everything was taken care of for him but he was on his own for this trip. As he waited by the luggage carousel, watching the same two bags spin by for the fourth time, he regretted not taking Allison up on her offer of hooking him up with her luxury travel agency. 

This was Kevin’s first real vacation since signing with his pro team and the US Court almost three years ago, and he desperately wanted to just relax and spend some quality time with Thea. Since Kevin had moved to Chicago they had seen even less of each other than they had when he was still in school. At first it hadn’t been too big of a deal, they worked well long distance, but after nearly three years it was starting to wear on their relationship.

Kevin had asked Thea if she would mind going to New Mexico, getting a rental for the week, and spending their time hiking and exploring on their own instead of going to some beach resort where they’d be surrounded by strangers constantly. The house they rented was still very high end (with a half-sized exy court in the back), but they hadn’t planned any guided tours and only had a couple dinner reservations. Thea’s one request, that Kevin was happy to comply with, was a spa day.

Allison had made all the reservations for him and had made him a list of the best hikes in the area, with accompanying restaurant recommendations and other things to do nearby. Kevin had only asked her to recommend a travel agent familiar with the area, but since her injury in December she had been going stir crazy, so she took on the project herself. Kevin internally recoiled and started flexing his left hand at the thought of Allison’s leg.

After she graduated, Allison had signed with the New Orleans Jesters, one of the top ranked exy teams in the country. She was also recruited to be an alternate for the US Court team at the Olympics. She didn’t get to actually play in the games that year, but Kevin had been looking forward to their on court reunion at the Olympics next year. They both would have been starting players, except in December, some idiot striker who should have known better got frustrated with her intercepting all his teammates’ passes and body checked her. Hard. Unfortunately, his dealer, whose actual job it was to guard Allison, didn’t see him and also went to body check her at the same time. The result was a double compound fracture to her right leg. The doctors estimated it would take four to five months to heal, and then she would have to go through a lengthy and grueling rehab.

The last time they spoke, when she gave him the final details for the trip, Allison admitted she was thinking of retiring from exy all together. Kevin had been shocked into silence and Allison immediately got defensive. 

“Don’t think I’m taking this decision lightly Day, you know what I’ve given up for this. To play. But the reality is I’m going to need at least 10 months of rehab before I’m in any shape to get back on the court. By then my skills won’t be up to par for the olympics anymore. I may not have normally chosen to retire yet, but there is more to _me_ than exy.” 

The emphasis she had put on me made it clear to Kevin that she was remembering when they first met too. He felt almost as if he was being physically pushed backwards through seven years, until he was back on the Foxes’ bus in a parking lot in Virginia. He could smell his blood in the air and remembered laying curled up on the bench seat with his face hidden by Abby’s dress, his left hand was mangled, all of his hopes for himself and his future were gone. 

When he had come to the Foxes he was broken in body, mind, and spirit. One thought allowed him to pull himself back together. One thought so loud it drowned everything else out. “I _must_ play again.” Exy was all that mattered.

Kevin was hurt by the implication that he would expect Allison to react the way he had back then. Allison knew their circumstances were not the same, and that Kevin had worked for years to let go of his unhealthy obsession. He was still obsessed with exy, but it was slightly less toxic now. She should know he wouldn’t put his old shit on her. 

He and Allison had gotten a lot closer since he graduated from PSU. The first time their professional teams played against each other in New Orleans, she invited him to go out for dinner. He had assumed it would be a group thing with some of her teammates and friends, but when he showed up to her apartment after the game Allison hadn’t invited anyone else. To Kevin’s surprise, it wasn’t awkward. It turned out that Allison was one of the few people in his life that he could spend hours alone with and never run out of things to talk about. 

Kevin learned a lot of things that night, including the fact that Allison could understand French. She had learned from an au pair when she was little, and while she lost most of her ability to speak it, she could still understand it perfectly. She claimed she never actually _hid_ anything from him and Neil, she just neglected to reveal she could understand their “melodramatic homoerotic cat fights.” But still, she had never told anyone else what she overheard. Not even Renee and Dan. 

It was that revelation that triggered what Kevin’s therapist used to call a “moment of clarity.” He realized how ridiculous it was that he hadn’t put more effort into having a relationship with Allison when she was one of the most amazing women he’d ever met. And even more than just that, he had never really considered before that between the two of them was not only their shared experiences as Foxes, but they also had similar experiences growing up, they had similar values, similar passions, even similar ways of expressing themselves.

They were both born into the role of an heiress, Allison to her parent’s business and fortune, and Kevin to exy. Allison had been more of a rebel than Kevin, she had had more room to rebel, but trying to toe the line of satisfying herself and her parents led to an eating disorder and hospitalization. When she made the decision to stop even attempting to be who her family wanted her to be, her parents cut her off. Not just by disinheriting her (although she still had a trust fund that they couldn’t touch even if they wanted to), but in every possible way. She responded by throwing herself into exy and never once considered apologising. She knew she didn’t owe it to anyone. 

Kevin didn’t rebel against the Moriyamas until later. At first he genuinely bought into their ethos. His mother had wanted him to go to the Nest after all, and she had always known best. The longer he was there, the more he was psychologically manipulated and physically abused, the harder he tried to do what Riko wanted and be who Riko wanted him to be.

It wasn’t until he and Thea started secretly sending each other notes that he began to notice the voice in his head that would push back against Riko’s restraints. It had always been there, but until Thea, there had been no reason to acknowledge it. No one had ever asked Kevin what he thought before. Riko could sense his growing defiance even if he hadn’t acted on it yet, and before long, Riko tried to take everything away from Kevin too. 

His and Allison’s situations were different, but they had both been privileged and abused, trying to navigate the spaces between “I could have anything I want” and “if only I destroy myself first.” When they were at their most vulnerable, they both turned to the Foxes. They were both forced to relearn how they fit into the world when everything they had grown up thinking was permanent was gone. They understood each other in a way few other people could. 

Also, as Nicky loved to say, they were both “bisexual, bougie, and badass.” 

Since that first dinner there had been dozens more, and they spoke constantly. Allison was one of his closest friends. Hearing her imply that all there was to Kevin was exy brought on a wave of pain that was almost physical. He felt his throat getting blocked and cleared it.

“I know there is more to _you_ than exy Allison, and I’ll always support _you_.” He said, emphasizing both yous. Before she could respond he added “I’m at the airport, thanks again for your help.” and hung up. 

When he got inside the terminal he took a deep breath and tried to let go of his hurt and anger. It wasn’t working, until a man in crutches struggled to walk past him to speak with a TSA agent about getting through security, and Kevin remembered where Allison was coming from. He imagined what she must be going through right now. She had given up not just billions of dollars to play exy, but also the support of her family (however constraining it may have been). She had even sacrificed her own mental and physical health to play, just for it all to be over because of a bad tackle. She would never play at the Olympics, she would never get to prove to her family it had been worth it. 

Kevin stopped his train of thought there. He knew what Allison would say to him pitying her like that. She didn’t need to prove shit to anyone, and while she loved exy, it was more the means of her gaining independence from her family than the reason. Like she had said on the phone, there was more to her than exy. That didn’t mean she wasn’t upset, and although lashing out at Kevin was unfair, he was able to let it go. He found it felt good to let it go, especially because he trusted that Allison didn’t actually think of him like that anymore. He internally thanked Dr. Karimi for making him go to those mentalization therapy groups back in college. He would have been proud of him.

Kevin went through security and didn’t look at his phone again until he got settled in the first class lounge. By then there was a text from Allison saying she got him an upgraded rental car and booked a surprise for him and Thea at the spa, which was her way of apologizing. He thanked her and even sent an orange heart emoji back. 

Then he had texted Thea to check her flight information. He realized now that he never heard back from her. He double checked to make sure the text had gone through, and sure enough, it had been delivered over four hours ago. Kevin knew that Thea’s flight was supposed to come in later that afternoon, but it was nearly noon in Texas so she must be getting ready to leave by now. 

He was about to call her when the luggage carousel let out a long tone and new bags finally started to come out. He put his phone away and got a spot right next to the conveyor belt. Unfortunately, his duffle was one of the last to come through, but he did help three old ladies by grabbing their suitcases for them. 

Once he collected his bags he turned and saw the line at the rental car desk had grown by at least seven groups, and he couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes when he saw that there was no dedicated fast line for preferred members.

He walked over and stood behind a family of five. One of the kids, who looked to be about 16 years old, did a double take when they saw Kevin. Kevin was quick to turn his head down and away in an attempt to hide his tattoo. It wasn’t that he didn’t like kids, or minded being recognized, but this line seemed to be moving slowly and he didn’t want to spend the next half hour taking selfies and answering questions about Riko.

Kevin had thought that he had finally escaped Riko’s shadow when the Chicago Fire won the US Exy finals for the second time in a row last year, and he hadn’t received any questions from the press about what he thought Riko would say if he could see him now, or how it felt to have won the league twice without Riko by his side. But the five year anniversary of Riko’s death was coming up, and a couple of weeks ago it was announced that a documentary about Riko is forthcoming. 

It’s apparently called, “Nevermore: In Remembrance of Riko Moriyama” and all proceeds are going to a mental health “charity” that just so happens to be one of the organizations he, Neil, and Jean “donate” part of their salaries to. When Kevin was asked to answer some questions about Riko for the movie he had had no choice but to agree. 

The actual filming hadn’t bothered him; Kevin was a pro at compartmentalizing and he just read his lines off a script. Once the trailer was released however, the questions from fans and the press had started all over again and he couldn’t avoid them. It was another reason he had wanted to keep this vacation low key. 

He quickly dialed Thea’s number and held the phone up to cover his tattoo while it rang. It went to voicemail but Kevin didn’t bother leaving one, thinking that she may be going through airport security or something. He hung up and texted her again, asking her to call him.

The kid in line ahead of him had started whispering to his siblings, and Kevin knew it was coming soon. He pretended to be totally engaged by his phone and tried to brace himself to not traumatize a bunch of kids by revealing to them that their favorite dead exy player had actually been an abusive deranged asshole. 

He noticed movement over the top of his screen, and when he snuck a peek he could see two small feet in neon purple sneakers standing right in front of him. It seemed that the older kids had sent their younger sister to get his attention. She couldn’t have been older than 8 years old, which comforted Kevin because it was extremely unlikely that she would even know who Riko was. 

“Excuse me, are you Kevin Day?” the girl asked in a strong assured voice, like she was confident in the answer and really just trying to get his attention.

“Yes, I am. What’s your name?” The two older kids, who had also been pretending to be engrossed by their phones immediately looked up and turned towards Kevin.

“I’m Daisy,” she stuck out her small hand and Kevin realized that she was looking for a hand shake. He was oddly endeared by her, and shook her hand firmly. “My brother said you’re the best striker in the world, and that you’re the Queen of exy, is that true?” Kevin heard one of the other kids groan softly in embarrassment, but Kevin had never been one for false modesty. At least not when his life wasn’t literally on the line.

“Yes, that’s true. Do you play exy?”

“Not yet. You have to be 11 to sign up for our little league, but I’m gonna be a striker too. I practice with my brothers all the time, and I score a lot, even though they’re both older and bigger and boys. My brothers say girls can be just as good as boys but Nico in my class says boys are better and they shouldn’t let girls play at all. He never lets me play with him during recess. What do you think?” She lowered her gaze for the first time, obviously nervous about Kevin’s response. He knelt down to her eye level before replying. 

“My mom invented exy, and she was a girl. I play with girls on my team and on the Olympic team. Anyone who tells you girls shouldn’t play exy is wrong. Don’t let them discourage you.” He looked up and saw Daisy’s brothers had come even closer. The oldest put his hand on Daisy’s head and the other brother, who looked around 13 years old, reached down to squeeze her hand. 

“See Daisy,” the oldest said while messing her hair foundly, “We told you, Nico is just jealous because you’re better than him.” He looked down at Kevin who was still crouched at half height. Kevin straightened up and nodded his agreement. “I’m Danny.” the boy said and held out his hand. Kevin shook it then turned to the last sibling. 

“I’m Darcy.” the boy said to his shoes, and then he jerked his hand out towards Kevin without looking up from the floor. Kevin shook his hand as well while Daisy and Danny stood stock still and stared at Kevin wide-eyed. Kevin thought he was going to get off easy and maybe not even have to take any photos when Danny gave his head a slight shake and started asking questions.

“What's it like being a professional exy player? Who do you think is going to win the championships this year? Are you worried about facing the Red Bulls again? Are you still friends with Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard? Is it true they hate each other?” Danny asked all of these questions without pausing for breath, let alone an answer. Kevin’s smile, the same one he’d always used for press and fans didn’t twitch, but it took a real effort not to roll his eyes when he heard the question about Andrew and Neil.

Andrew had graduated two years ago and initially signed with the Detroit City Exy team. Kevin hadn’t been nervous about Andrew’s first season at the time, but looking back he probably should have been. Andrew had the required discipline thanks to near constant practices with Kevin and Neil, and he’d always had the talent, but he was still Andrew. He wasn’t the easiest person to have as a teammate. 

Andrew had been the number two draft pick his year, but Detroit City ended up trading him as soon as the season ended. There were no incidents, the team just called it “a lack of chemistry.” Kevin thought they were idiots. Andrew’s skill more than made up for any flaws of personality. 

Now Andrew was with the Philadelphia Independence, and while it seemed to be a better fit for him, Kevin thought they were an inferior team. It wasn’t because Philly was a 12 hour drive from Chicago while Detroit was only four. He simply thought Philly lacked refinement, and their striker line was seriously weak. He wouldn’t _deny_ that he had liked seeing Andrew more frequently when he was living in Detroit, but he would never put a few social visits over Andrew’s exy career.

When he was playing for Detroit City Andrew had usually come to Chicago at least once or twice a month. He claimed it was to make sure Kevin and Aaron didn’t overdose on their own stupidity, and most of the time they all just stayed at the apartment and did nothing, but it had been nice. Since he’d been traded to Philly though, Kevin’s only seen him at the games they’ve played against one another. 

Of course that wasn’t just because of the move. Neil had graduated last May and signed with the Boston Breakers. Now that he had more freedom, he and Andrew made every effort to see each other whenever possible. Kevin heard from Allison that once they both drove four hours to see each other for 45 minutes, and then drove four hours back to their teams’ hotels. (After Allison told him this, Kevin had called Neil to confirm it was the night after they had played their respective games, and that they weren’t getting on the court with only an hour's sleep.)

He couldn’t imagine doing something like that to see Thea, but their relationship had always included distance from the very beginning. First they had to hide it from Riko and the Master, then Thea graduated, then Kevin left the Ravens but couldn’t tell her why. Even after Riko died and they had cleared the air and really gotten together, Thea was halfway across the country most of the time. Neither of them had ever thought to make seeing each other a priority like that. They were able to get what they needed from each other over the phone or through email most of the time anyway. Whenever they were able to physically get together it was always amazing, but it didn’t feel especially necessary.

Their relationship was definitely at a low point lately though. They weren’t talking as much as they used to, and when they did talk their conversations felt shallow and perfunctory. Kevin was a little anxious about spending so much time alone together on this trip, but he assumed that they would fall into their old patterns of physicality that their relationship thrived on. Sex, exy, exercise, and competition were their love languages, and they always brought out the best in each other.

Andrew had recently told Kevin that the Independence’s manager had approached him about potentially recruiting Neil once they realized that they were in a relationship. Andrew always played best when Neil was on the court with him, and Philly could definitely use the boost to their stiker line, so Kevin was all for it. After he heard about it though, Kevin had started to wonder about Houston.

Thea’s team, the Houston Sirens, were top ranked in their division and had made it to the playoffs every year since their inception. Kevin loved training and playing with Thea, and the idea of getting to live together after all this time was nice, but there were a lot of other ex-Ravens on the team that Kevin would have to get used to playing with and seeing around all the time again. 

He also felt that he had found his place in Chicago, and he worked extremely well with his teammates and the coaches and management. The Chicago Fire had won the finals the past two years in a row, and the odds on them winning again this year were good. He loved Thea, but he couldn’t walk away from that.

In what Kevin assumed was an effort to cover up the talks of Neil’s potential transfer, the press had recently been going on about “The Minyard-Josten Rivalry.” Andrew and Neil had planted the seeds unintentionally by being asshats about each other during press conferences and live tweeting criticisms of each other's games. Kevin suspected it was some kind of foreplay for them. 

He had been waiting for news of their relationship to leak and had been debating how he would handle the backlash, but when he was asked at a press conference how he felt about his former teammates' animosity towards each other, he ended up saying something about them both being idiots who should focus on playing. People took it as a confirmation that this ‘rivalry’ existed and now they would not shut up about it. 

Kevin supposed he shouldn’t be surprised that these kids asked about it, what with the proliferation of buzzfeed articles and memes everywhere. The other Foxes weren’t helping matters as they all found it hilarious and kept making vague statements about how Andrew and Neil felt about each other. 

“Well, playing exy professionally is a lot of fun but also a lot of hard work and responsibility,” Kevin gave his PR approved answers to the siblings, who were staring up at him in awe. “I’m confident that Chicago will win the championship again this year, and when we rematch the Red Bulls our superior skills will shine through. And I am still friends with Andrew and Neil, but they don’t really hate each other, it’s just some friendly competition. Do you guys want to take a selfie together?” 

Kevin found that usually the fastest way to get out of these kinds of situations was to offer a photograph, and afterwards people would naturally drift away. He wasn’t sure if that would work while waiting in line with the young fans, but it was worth a shot. 

Danny and Darcy pulled out their phones while shaking their heads and thanking Kevin, and Daisy, who didn’t have her own phone, went to get their mother’s attention so she could take their picture. He took more photos than he usually would have, but it was better than talking and he really did like the family. They seemed very loving, like the kind of environment that Kevin had only in the past few years been able to wish that he had grown up in himself.

They finally made it to the front of the line and said their goodbyes. Then Kevin was next, he signed the paperwork for his car without really reading it and finally walked out of the airport. It was the perfect temperature, 64 degrees with a light breeze. Kevin actually enjoyed the cold, but this Chicago winter had been brutal. When he left there this morning it had been 12 degrees, and Kevin pulled off his jacket as he walked to the rental car lot. As he threw it over his arm, he felt his phone vibrating in its pocket. 

Kevin pulled out the phone and answered Thea’s call just before it was sent to voicemail. 

“Oh, hi,” her voice came down the line, “I um, I thought I would get your voicemail.” Kevin was on edge when he heard her tone, she definitely sounded like something was wrong.

“Well you got me. Are you at the airport?” Kevin said.

“Well, no. Rafael’s mother died. I won’t be making it to New Mexico at all.” 

Kevin took that in. He and Thea had always had an open relationship. They were both very physical people who rarely got to see each other. However, there had been a bit of a learning curve when eight months after they officially started dating, Thea started dating someone else also, not just hooking up with them. Kevin hadn’t actually been angry or jealous, but he felt like he should have been. 

It had been very confusing for him, and then the week after Thea told him about it, the Foxes lost to USC and were eliminated from the championships. Kevin had been expecting it, and he had actually been pleased by the Foxes performance, but it meant their season was over in March, just when Thea’s team was picking up with pro finals. Kevin had actually felt jealous about that, and it somehow got all twisted inside him. He and Thea had broken up for seven months. 

When they started talking again, Thea had learned more about polyamory. They discussed what happened last time and how their relationship would look going forward. They identified their preferred relationship style as something akin to parallel polyamory. Neither of them wanted to hear too much detail about their other relationships, but they did like talking about their hookups.

They considered each other their primary partners, and agreed that they could have other relationships, even though at that time neither of them were seeing anyone else. And since then, Kevin still hadn’t had a relationship with anyone else outside of hookups. He just didn’t have the desire to put that kind of energy into another partner, but Thea had.

She started dating Rafael a little over two years ago. He lived in Houston as well, Kevin had met him twice briefly when he came to visit Thea and had liked him. Thea had mentioned over the past couple months that his mom was sick. It was one of the reasons they had been talking less frequently, because she had been so busy with Rafael and his family. Kevin knew how much she cared about Rafael and he didn’t begrudge him Thea’s attention. He was upset that his vacation had now been ruined though. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kevin said. “Please pass on my condolences to Rafael. Are you sure you won’t be able to make it at all? We have the rental for ten days, and if Rafael wanted to come along there’s plenty of room.”

“Yeah, I’m definitely not going to be able to make it.” Thea sounded tired but there was something else in her voice that Kevin still couldn’t quite place. “There’s something else we should talk about though.”

“Okay, what?” Kevin dropped his bags and sat down at a bench on the edge of the parking lot.

“I think our romantic relationship has run its course Kev.” Kevin just sat there in silence for a long moment. “Hello? Kevin? Are you still there?” 

“Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just, I wasn’t expecting this.” Kevin responded. He looked around and was extremely thankful that the parking lot was empty besides for him. “I thought this trip would be a chance to reconnect but now you’re not coming and our relationship is over. It’s a lot to take in Thea.” He couldn’t control the volume of his voice, which was getting progressively louder. He heard distortions of his words bouncing off the cars and echoing back to him. 

“Look, I’m sorry it’s happening this way Kevin, but you had to feel it coming too. I’ll always love you, but I don’t think we’ve been in love for a while. Shit, the caterer is here. I have to go, but I want to talk more later. You’re one of my best friends, I don’t want to fuck that up.” 

Kevin started to respond and realized she had already hung up. He started laughing. It was so typical of Thea to break up with him and abandon him to spend a 10 day vacation alone, and then in the same call tell him he was one of her best friends and she still loved him. Finishing it off by hanging up on him was so _her_ , that it was almost hard to be angry. Almost.

Kevin was angry, but all he could do was sit on the bench and laugh like a maniac. When his laughter finally died down, a feeling of being profoundly alone started settling in where the laughter had been bubbling in his stomach and chest. Kevin closed his eyes and gripped the underside of the bench tightly as memories of all the times he had felt this way before started to overwhelm him. 

Kevin had never had a good tolerance for feeling alone. In his childhood, years and years of which he barely recalled, before his mom had died, she had taken him everywhere with her. She was traveling across the world to spread exy but she wouldn’t leave Kevin behind. She took him to all of her meetings, court inspections, business meals, anywhere and everywhere. 

There was one memory that Kevin somehow managed to hold onto through his years at the Nest from when he was around six or seven years old. He was sitting in Kayleigh’s lap, looking up at her and watching her talk to men in a language he didn’t understand then, wondering when he would be able to play on the half constructed exy court he could see through the window. He remembered how her hands felt holding his shoulders, her warmth at his back, her hair tickling his cheek.

The day she died she left him at their house to get milk from the grocery store. She should have only been gone ten minutes. Kevin had asked to stay behind, he was playing in the garden in front of the building, working on rebounding a ball off a support beam and back into his racquet. 

He actually heard the accident happen a couple blocks away. He didn’t think much of it at first, the screech of brakes, a horn honking, and a loud crash, followed by sirens. When it started getting dark out and his mom didn’t come back, he began imagining what could have happened. He was worried and scared and didn’t know what to do so he just kept practicing. Not playing anymore, practicing now. 

He told himself that if he rebounded the ball perfectly 100 times in a row, his mom would come home. He kept messing up though because his vision was blurred from the tears in his eyes that he didn’t know how to stop, and everytime he dropped the ball it got worse. When the police finally came later that night they had to force the racquet out of his hands to get him to stop. Only once he was motionless did they tell him that she was dead. 

That was the first time Kevin had felt truly alone. He sobbed all through the night until Tetsuji came to get him the next day. Tetsuji didn’t comfort Kevin when he took him into his custody, nor did he beat him yet. He was extremely stoic, betraying absolutely no emotion. When they got back to West Virginia, Tetsuji told Riko it was his job to make sure Kevin knew how things worked at the Nest and what would be expected of him. Kevin didn’t see Tetsuji again for days, but from that moment on Riko was always there. 

Riko started explaining how he was going to be the greatest exy player in history, and how Kevin was fortunate enough to get to be his partner. That sounded okay to Kevin, but soon Riko was explaining how Kevin was _his_ now, how he must follow Riko everywhere and do whatever Riko said, or he would sorely regret it. He told Kevin that he was a Moriyama, and that that made him special, while Kevin was just a bastard orphan who was lucky to get this opportunity. 

Kevin started crying again, silently this time, but Riko didn’t hesitate to slap him across the face. He told Kevin that he could only cry when Riko wanted him to. As Kevin rubbed his cheek, he found that the tears had stopped on their own. At least he wouldn’t be alone anymore.

Most of the time they were playing exy, and Kevin put everything he could into their practices. Riko was the same age as him, but his exy training had been much more intensive and he was far more skilled than Kevin. Riko laughed at him when he struggled and pushed him harder when he succeeded. He was the only person Kevin saw everyday. They had dozens of tutors and trainers but they each came only once or twice a week, and Tetsuji and the Ravens would come around infrequently to check on their progress. Soon enough Riko and exy were Kevin’s whole world. 

As they got older their relationship evolved and changed, but it always followed the model of a planet orbiting the sun. As their skills and playing style developed it was like Kevin, the planet, was growing in mass, and the gravitational pull between them started to get closer to an equilibrium. When the ERC said they thought Riko was holding Kevin back, it was as if Riko realized he was no longer the sun, and he could not tolerate it. 

After Riko broke his hand, Kevin was only able to leave because he knew he could go to Wymack. He’d been researching him since he’d found his mother’s letter, and he had learned about Wymack’s recruitment policy. He had heard some people call it a publicity stunt, but to Kevin there seemed no reason to draw that kind of attention to a losing team. He concluded that his father must be kind, but he couldn’t really understand what that kindness may entail, as it was almost a foriegn concept to him by then.

He didn’t have a plan when he left the Nest that night, beyond finding Wymack. On his way to the banquet that he knew the Palmetto team was attending in Virginia, he thought about what he would say to convince Wymack to help him. He thought he would for sure have to tell him that he was his father, but Kevin couldn’t imagine how he’d get the words out. He wondered if it would even matter to Wymack, or if it would be too little too late, now that Kevin had nothing to offer him. 

One of the biggest shocks of Kevin’s life was when Wymack immediately tried to help him without needing an explanation. Without knowing that Kevin was his son. When he made it to the banquet he got a security guard to find Wymack and bring him outside. Kevin waited for him in the shadows by the Foxes’ bus, stone faced and bloody, cradling his hand to his chest. Wymack came out to the parking lot alone.

“Who’s that?” he asked, squinting towards where Kevin was standing. He took a couple steps closer but stopped dead in his tracks when he realized who he was looking at. “Kevin Day? You’re about the last person I expected to see out here.”

Kevin opened his mouth and tried to speak, but no words came out. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and took a step forward so he was fully in the light of a streetlamp. He was only able to force out the words, “Please, help me.” in an absolutely broken voice.

Once Wymack saw him clearly he rushed over to him and grabbed his shoulder. “Jesus fuck. What the hell happened to you?” he asked gruffly, while inspecting the wound on Kevin’s hand and checking the rest of him for other damage. Kevin opened his mouth to try and answer, but again nothing came out. He just shook his head.

“We need to get you to a hospital. I can call Coach Moriyama for you, what are you even doing down here?” Wymack said, pulling out his cell phone, but then Kevin started shaking his head more vigorously. “No? Why the fuck not?” he asked, but again the only response Kevin could make was shaking his head. Wymack realized his entire body was shaking too, like he was trying to vibrate himself apart at the seams. 

“Fine, no calls, no hospital.” Wymack said, making an effort to moderate his voice a bit. “But I’m calling Abby, our team nurse. She’s right inside, and I need her to come look at your hand. Lets get on the bus before someone comes and sees us.” Kevin stopped shaking his head but didn’t move from his spot out in the light, so Wymack wrapped his arm around his shoulders and gave him a gentle shove. Kevin started moving back towards the bus to wait for Abby. 

The rest of the night was a blur, but a few moments stuck out. When the Foxes finally got back on the bus, Kevin was mostly passed out, hiding under Abby’s clothes, but he remembered hearing Wymack tell them all what was going on.

"There's been an accident. Right now we are the only ones in a position to help him, so we are going to have a visitor for a while.” Wymack paused and let out a deep breath. “It’s Kevin Day, his left hand is broken.”

It’s Kevin Day, his left hand is broken. It’s Kevin Day, his left hand is broken. It’s Kevin Day, his left hand is broken. 

Kevin felt the bus jostling, knew people must be moving around, trying to get a better look, he heard voices exclaiming and talking but he couldn’t process any of it. The statement, “It’s Kevin Day, his left hand is broken.” was an oxymoron. Without his left hand he couldn’t play exy. Without exy there was no Kevin Day. 

He came out of his haze of shock, confusion, and the painkillers Abby had given him one more time that night, just long enough to hear Wymack say, "I don't know yet what happened, but I do know he wants to be left alone. You know what will happen if people find out he's down south with us. We aren't ready to face that kind of response; I don't know if we ever will be. So we're going to hide him until he doesn't need to hide anymore."

Someone responded, "Yeah, yeah, no problem, Coach." then the bus was moving and that was that.

At Wymack’s apartment the next day Kevin was still in disbelief. He was trying to make sense of the night’s events, but he could find no logic in it. Wymack knew he was in trouble, and knew that he would bring more trouble down on him and his team if anyone knew Kevin was there. 

Kevin had only met Wymack a few times, usually in group settings where they had barely spoken, though Wymack always made an effort to seek Kevin out, check in with him, and let him know he was there if Kevin ever needed anything. Wymack had said on those occasions that it was the least he could do for Kayleigh’s son, but still Kevin couldn’t figure out why Wymack would risk helping him now.

As Wymack came out of the kitchen with coffee and breakfast, Kevin knew he should tell him that he was his father, but then he envisioned how that conversation might go. Wymack would want to know how long Kevin had known, and then why he didn’t tell him earlier. He would realize that Kevin chose the Ravens over him, and then he definitely wouldn’t want to help him anymore. Or, what if Wymack got angry and went after Tetsuji? He would be killed for sure, slowly, piece by piece, like that man who had come for Riko when they were 12. 

Wymack seemed to be okay with helping Kevin just because he needed help, and because of the relationship he had had with Kevin’s mom. Kevin decided not to say anything unless it seemed like Wymack was trying to get rid of him. 

With that decision he felt some of his anxiety lift, but at the same time he felt a crushing sense of aloneness hit him for the second time in his life. He was free of Riko but now he was truly on his own, with only the weakest of bonds between him and Wymack, and no one else. Riko was gone, exy was gone, he felt totally detached from himself and the world.

For over a week he was in and out of a state of complete numbness and panic attacks. He managed to tell Wymack the whole story only in bits and pieces, and the spring semester had already started before he knew everything. But Wymack’s assurance that he would try to help Kevin didn’t comfort him when he knew that if Wymack found out the truth he would hate Kevin for keeping it from him, and if Tetsuji found out where he was, he would go after Wymack. 

One night Andrew turned up at Wymack’s apartment looking for booze, and he found Kevin in a truly pathetic state. He had been suspicious of what Kevin was still doing there anyway and decided it was time to find out. Andrew found a much more efficient way to get Kevin talking than Wymack had, which was to get him totally wasted. After he was satisfied he knew everything that was going on with the Moriyamas, he tried to leave Kevin to sleep it off. Kevin stopped him.

“Riko is going to come for me. You can help me. You can protect me, like you did for your cousin.” Kevin slurred. “You almost killed four men, twice your size, all by yourself. And you're smart, I saw your test scores, and you can’t be bought. You could protect me.”

“That’s all very true Day, but I can’t think of one reason why I would.” 

“I can give you a reason.” Is all Kevin said back. A long moment passed.

“I don’t have all night, Day. What’s this reason that I should risk so much to help poor ol’ you? You, who wouldn’t even fight for yourself if your master came to call you away? No one likes an Uncle Tom.”

“No,” Kevin’s words were still coming out slightly slurred, and he shook his head a few more times than necessary to get his point across, but when he stopped his eyes were locked on Andrew’s. “I can give you a reason to keep going. Once you're off those pills and you realize that the path you’re on just keeps spiraling down until it ends in nothingness. I can give you a purpose, something to build your life around. I remember your guidance counselor’s notes, ‘destructive and joyless’ she called you, but you could be Court. You have so much potential that you’re just wasting. You have everything you need to get there, except me.”

Andrew didn’t look away, but he raised his hand and bopped Kevin on the nose three times, “Tut, tut, tut, poor little Kevin. Did you forget? You made me this offer before. Why do you think I’d be interested now? Kevin Day who _was_ number _two_ and now can’t even play.”

“Please,” Kevin started, but before he could get any further, Andrew covered his mouth with his hand.

“Don’t use that word. I don’t like that word.” He stared into Kevins eyes a few more seconds before lowering his hand again. “And I do not care about exy.”

“I promise.” Is all Kevin said back, in a soft voice, still refusing to break eye contact.

They stood there in silence for another minute before Andrew turned on his heel and walked out of the apartment. Kevin sat back down on Wymack’s couch, his hands shaking with the fear of what and who was sure to come for him. He took a last swig of whisky, laid down and fell asleep.

The next day Andrew came back and agreed to Kevin’s proposition, if Kevin hadn’t changed his mind. Sober Kevin knew it was a little insane to think that Andrew could actually protect him against Riko and the Master. The crazier thing though, was that as he and Andrew discussed their deal, the feeling in his stomach and chest that had been eating at him from the moment he decided not to tell Wymack he was his father, the one that felt like a black hole was inside of him sucking up and destroying everything that he was, started to fade. 

Andrew would be by his side from now on, would protect him, and one day, he would play exy with him. It was right then that Kevin realized he had two hands. It would be a long and painful process, but he would play again. He _must_ play again. 

So he did play again, and over the next year and a half that Andrew was protecting him he had felt a lot of truly awful things, but he hadn’t felt profoundly alone again, until Riko died. 

It didn’t make sense. He had hated Riko, he had been working to separate himself from him however he could. He had erased Riko’s mark, he had just proved that he did not need Riko to play or to be the best. He hadn’t even been living with him for a year and a half, but when he heard the news, the black hole was back. His planet wasn’t bigger than the sun now, and it wasn’t that their orbits had stretched further away, the sun had been ripped completely from his solar system. 

He didn’t know how to make it better or even cope with it this time. He still had exy, he still had Andrew, and now he also had Neil and the rest of the Foxes, and Wymack, but somehow it didn’t help. The Foxes couldn’t understand how he could still care after all the terrible things Riko had done to them, and more than that they were angry at Kevin, even though he couldn’t understand or explain it himself. The only exceptions were Renee who tried to be sympathetic, and Andrew who just didn’t care, but still neither of them could help.

Then Thea came to see him. She took time off from exy to stay with Kevin without him asking her to. Since she had come to Palmetto in March to confront Kevin, when he told her about Riko breaking his hand and beating Jean to a pulp, they had been emailing each other. It had reminded him of when they had both been living at the Nest but were forced to communicate by passing hidden notes. 

He had started opening up to her more and more, never telling her the whole truth about the Moriyamas and the yakuza, but giving her more detail about what life in the Nest was really like for him and what his life was like with the Foxes in comparison. It was hard for her to accept, but she was open to listening. 

In her mind, Riko and the Master were absolute monsters, but not everything that went on in the Nest was terrible. She had always known that the Raven’s methods were extreme, but to her they were also effective. All of the Ravens (besides Kevin, Jean, and Riko) were adults who signed up for that kind of environment. 

Thea had grown up being trained by her father, Ephraim. He was childhood friends with Richard Williams, who had shown him his plan to train his daughters to be tennis stars. They were older than Thea and by the time Thea was five they had both already won junior tennis championships. That was enough to convince Ephraim to start Thea’s training, but he was unwilling to force her to commit to a specific sport when she was so young. Instead they did general athletic and agility training, with some specific skills from tennis, soccer, basketball, and golf mixed in. 

When her father started to realize the extent of the inequities between male and female athletes, he became dejected and was about to pull back on their regimen, but then the first exy court opened to the public in Shreveport, Louisiana. Thea was around eight years old, and after her first time playing, it became all exy all the time. 

Her father didn’t force her into the sport, but she could tell he was excited by it. Thea herself was more than excited by it. It had her favorite aspects from all the other sports put together, and she got to be more physically aggressive. From day one Thea knew she was a backliner, and her dad immediately started looking into blocking and footwork drills. She was going to be the best backliner in the sport, not just the best female backliner.

Her dad campaigned and was the driving force in the local highschool building their own exy court. Thea started playing on the high school’s team in seventh grade. Being recruited by the Ravens was one of the proudest moments of her and her father’s life. Becoming a Raven was a different story. 

When Thea first got to Edgar Allen she was shocked by the restrictions placed on the players and the beatings they dished out to one another. She knew she couldn’t be the only freshman who felt this way, but none of them dared to speak up. She had thought that she and her father were serious about training, but what they had done looked like little leagues compared to the Nest.

She tried talking to her dad about it without giving him any details. She told him their training practices seemed a bit extreme but refused to elaborate. In the end he encouraged her to engage with the program as best she could. He told her the Ravens were the best, and they had been working all her life so she could be the best. He urged her to push herself outside of her comfort zone, and so she did.

She immersed herself in the Ravens’ ways, in their hive mind of codependency and obsession, in doing whatever it takes to be the best. She called home less and less. The Ravens told her family was a distraction and that her father’s coaching would interfere with theirs. Ravens didn’t go home for holidays, birthdays, or even funerals. She gave up so much to be a Raven, but she couldn’t dismiss everything from her time there, because while all those horrible things about them may have been true, they also really had been the best. 

Hearing about what Kevin went through and what he was learning from the Foxes made her start to reevaluate her choices. She had even started to consider reaching out to her dad for the first time in years. But then Riko died, and Kevin hadn’t responded to a single one of her emails since. She was changing her entire perspective on life again, because of him, and she wouldn’t let him disappear that easily this time. She wasn’t going to wait a year to confront him again.

So in the last week of May, even though she was supposed to be at a bootcamp for the US Court team, she showed up in Palmetto. She dragged Kevin back to her hotel room, and she had him lay down on the bed. Kevin was confused but followed her instructions. Then she laid down on top of him, letting all of her weight push him into the mattress. She reached up and started stroking his hair and humming. It took a while, but eventually Kevin started to cry. Really cry, loud and ugly with snot and tears dripping down his face. He held on to Thea tight, his sobs shaking both their bodies. It went on for hours until Kevin finally fell asleep.

When he woke up later, Thea was awake but still curled around him. Their legs were intertwined and her arms held him against her chest. 

“He was a part of you. There is no shame in grieving him.” She told him. Kevin looked into her warm black eyes, and saw no judgement. 

“He was horrible, and you still don’t even know everything he did. The Foxes know, and they hate me for caring.” 

“The Foxes may know what he did to them, but they don’t know what it means to be a Raven. They didn’t see you grow for years with Riko always by your side. They can’t understand it because they weren’t a part of it. I was there, and I am telling you, _nothing_ you’re feeling is wrong. Besides, the Foxes are definitely not who I would want to base healthy emotional reactions off of.” She rolled her eyes then rolled her body so she was on top of him again, this time propped on her arms a bit so she could look down into his eyes. “I love you Kevin, and from what you’ve told me, I’m sure your team loves you too. They’ll get over this, and so will you.” 

Kevin stared at her. They had never said I love you to each other before. Kevin was so thankful that she was there, but his emotions were a mess and he couldn’t figure out if he loved her right now. He was just about to start panicking, when Thea gently put two of her fingers to each of his temples.

“I don’t want you to say it back, I just wanted you to know.” He nodded in response, and noticed her 14 necklace resting against her collarbone. She was right, only a Raven could understand. She settled back down on top of him, and they just laid there holding one another until they woke up the next day.

Since the semester was over and summer practices hadn’t officially started yet, Kevin, Andrew, Aaron, Nicky, and Neil had been staying with Abby. The next day Kevin told Andrew to take the rest of them to the Columbia house. For the week Thea was there Kevin stayed with her in the hotel, and they trained at the Foxhole Court together. When they weren’t training Kevin told her everything. 

By the time she had to go back to Texas Kevin’s emotional state was greatly improved, and their relationship was the strongest it had ever been. Kevin told her that he loved her too when they said goodbye at the airport, and when she left he didn’t feel the black hole come back like he feared he would.

Wymack and Abby still insisted he start to see a therapist, and Abby even threatened to block his medical clearance to play if he didn’t agree. He and Betsy had never really been well suited to work together though, and after a couple of truly unproductive sessions she recommended someone she thought would be more helpful. 

Kevin saw Dr. Karimi regularly for the rest of his time at Palmetto. Working with him had been difficult, but it had helped Kevin process some of his trauma and grief while also allowing him to discover and accept things he never knew about himself. 

Kevin learned some useful skills, and he appreciated the progress he’d made, but he still wasn’t one to voluntarily go to therapy. Even when the aching alone feeling started to come back when he first moved to Chicago. Even when the skills he had learned were no longer helping, and the insomnia he had never even had before started getting worse and worse. 

At first he managed being alone by avoiding his apartment except to sleep, and even then he wouldn’t go home every night. It was as if as long as he was in public he could ignore the growing black hole inside him. The Fire’s lounge had a couch bigger than a king sized mattress that he would use to crash for a couple hours at a time. But practically living at the stadium his first couple months started to turn some heads. Eventually the team manager told him he could no longer be in the stadium between the hours of ten pm and five am unless it was for official team business. 

Kevin felt that at 23 years old he should be able to live on his own, so he didn’t even try to fight the new rule. The first night he was barred from the arena was a Monday, and Kevin decided to just relax and go to sleep early, but he couldn’t do it. He even tried watching some old “The World at War” DVDs Dan had found at a thrift shop and bought for him, but nothing would settle him. 

At one in the morning he laid down in bed, but without tiring himself out physically first, he couldn’t fall asleep. It was especially frustrating because back at Palmetto he had been able to fall asleep practically anywhere at any time, but then he had always known Andrew was watching his back. Alone in his big new apartment, he could not let his guard down enough to rest. Kevin decided the best solution was to try to tire himself out physically and to have some friendly company in the apartment. 

So on Tuesday night he went to his favorite bar where he met Chioma, a cute Nigerian woman who was working on getting her PhD in Economics from the University of Chicago. She was 26 years old, about 5’ 2”, curvy, extremely intelligent, and had an accent that made Kevin want to keep disagreeing with her just to listen to her rebuttals. They went back to his apartment, and afterwards she cuddled with him for a half hour but said that she couldn’t sleep in a strange bed. She left Kevin alone again, more relaxed than he’d been before but still unable to sleep. 

He decided to try again the next night and to add some BDSM aspects that usually helped him get a more emotional release. He had to ask Thea for permission if he ever subbed for anyone else, but she had no problem with it as long as he called her the next day and told her all about it. She even suggested that he call Dennis, a Dom she knew through mutual friends. She was worried about Kevin and hoped submitting would help him relax and settle into his new situation. 

Kevin met Dennis at a restaurant to get comfortable with one another and discuss their boundaries and limits. Dennis looked unassuming, he was shorter and more wiry than Kevin, and his hair was definitely starting to thin on top, but there was something about him that drew Kevin in. They went back to Dennis’s place to play and Kevin was pleased to find that he was an excellent Dom. They spent hours together that left Kevin bruised, sore, and satisfied in the best way.

He was actually able to fall asleep for a few hours, but he had a nightmare and had to leave in the middle of the night. When he got back to his apartment it was past four in the morning, so he just showered and then headed to the stadium to train away his edginess from the dream before morning practice. 

Back at his favorite bar the next night he met Danielle MacGregor. She was significantly older than Kevin at 51 years old, but he was attracted to her as soon as their eyes met. She worked in finance and could command a room like royalty, which Kevin immediately responded too. She was tall and thin with long brown hair that just brushed her ass when she arched her back. They went back to his place and she even slept over, but Kevin was stuck in a state of semi-consciousness all night, feeling physically paralyzed in bed while his mind was awake and never stopped whirring. 

By ten pm the next night when he had to leave the stadium his thoughts were getting more and more scattered, and he was getting more and more desperate. It was an off week for his team, so they didn’t have a game that weekend. They only had a half day of practice on Saturday and the entire day off on Sunday. Kevin was extremely sleep deprived but still convinced that wearing himself out physically was the best method to try and get some quality sleep. Since he was still prohibited from doing it at the stadium, he once again turned to sex. He hypothesised that the reason it hadn’t worked the past three nights was that he only hooked up with one person at a time, which somehow made sense to his exhausted brain. 

It was a Friday night, so Kevin got dressed up and went to a club where he met Mauricio and Jade. They were both Kevin’s age and had slept together before, and Kevin didn’t really get much more detail than that. The three of them danced together for a while. With a couple drinks in him the music was loud enough to drown out his thoughts, and the lights flashing against the backs of his eyes broke up the memories playing in his head. Kevin let himself believe for a moment that he was back at Eden’s Twilight, dancing with Aaron and Nicky while Andrew and Neil watched over them from their table.

The three of them eventually made their way back to Kevin’s apartment, and Kevin went to work, putting all his energy into making them feel good. By the end of it they were all sticky, sweaty, messes. Both Mauricio and Jade fell asleep almost immediately, but although he was bone tired, Kevin’s brain would still not shut off.

It was past three in the morning for Kevin and an hour later in Palmetto, so he was surprised when Andrew picked up his phone after the first ring. 

“Day.” was Andrew’s only acknowledgement, said in his signature toneless voice, without a hint that he was tired or had been sleeping.

“What are you doing up?” Kevin asked, knowing he probably wouldn’t get an answer. 

He was right, Andrew didn’t respond, but he heard the unmistakable sounds of a bus and very faintly, the voice of Wymack’s favorite radio host. Kevin remembered Neil telling him that the school was making the Foxes do publicity again, and that they were going back to Kathy Ferdinand’s show this weekend. Kevin didn’t say anything else, he just listened to the sound of Andrew’s breathing. He laid down on the couch with the phone under his ear and drifted off into his first restful sleep in weeks. 

He was woken up by the loud creak of his bedroom door and the sounds of someone in the bathroom three and a half hours later. He looked down at his phone and saw the call was still connected. Neil must have been on air by now, with the time difference it was 7:45 in North Carolina. He listened to the phone, and now he heard nothing but Andrew's breathing. 

“Andrew?” Over the line Kevin heard a low exhale. He imagined Andrew letting out a thick, long, stream of smoke in that way he did that always made Kevin wonder how his lungs could hold so much.

“Get your shit together Day.” Was the only thing Andrew said before hanging up. Kevin scrubbed his hands over his face, still tired but feeling better than he had in days. 

When practice ended at five that afternoon Kevin was so tired that he no longer had the mental capacity to hold a coherent conversation about anything besides exy. He realized he wouldn’t be able to find anyone to hook up with that night and finally accepted that sex was not the answer to this particular problem. He stayed at the arena and continued working out for another three hours then stopped at the liquor store on his way home. 

He didn’t tell Thea his plans for the night. They had a pretty constant text conversation when they weren’t at practice, and she had been telling him since Thursday, after subbing for Dennis hadn’t helped, that he wouldn’t be able to fix this through one night stands. She said that Kevin needed a support system and suggested that he call Dennis back. Not for sex, just to try to get to know him better and build a relationship, but Kevin had dismissed the idea. 

Kevin didn’t really understand how people built relationships normally. He had the Foxes and Thea, but any relationships he had managed to start outside of that withered away within a few months, usually when he no longer had a class with the other person. He didn’t do well with extended casual friendship. Most of the time he was either totally invested in a person or uninterested.

The only exception he could think of was Jeremy Knox, but that was more thanks to Jeremy’s superior social skills and understanding, and Kevin couldn’t replicate that. Even with the Foxes, while he loved them all, most of the times when they weren’t playing or discussing exy he didn’t really know what to do with them. 

So he didn’t tell Thea, or anyone else for that matter, that he was planning to literally drink himself to sleep that night, because he felt so much shame he thought it would crush him. He was Kevin Day, he was well known for being shameless. Whether he was talking about his exy abilities or asking for what he needed from others, he didn’t usually beat around the bush. But he still couldn’t tolerate feeling alone it seemed, and he didn’t know how anyone could really help him, even if he did tell them.

Kevin had been a bit of a binge drinker in college, but he never really drank alone before. He had used alcohol to help him cope; to get through impossible situations, to just be able to relax for a night in Columbia, and to force himself to do things he was afraid of. But it felt very different to sit alone in his quiet apartment and throw back drink after drink all by himself. Especially when the only thing he was trying to face was his bed.

One hour and three quarters of a bottle of vodka later, Kevin had called Wymack and was incoherently sobbing on the phone for half an hour until he passed out. Abby was freaking out and was about to get on a plane to Chicago when Andrew suggested that Katelyn move in with Kevin. 

Katelyn and Kevin had graduated the same year since the Vixens were able to take a full course load and graduate in four years. She was taking a gap year before med school and volunteering with Americorps in Chicago, but she had been struggling to survive on her living stipend while also trying to save for med school. 

Kevin was so embarrassed about the call that he was willing to agree to try it. He had never really spent much time with Katelyn before, but he trusted her enough. Especially now that she had somehow earned Andrew’s seal of approval. Everyone (except Andrew) had expected Aaron to be against it, but he was all for it. He had hated the idea of Katelyn staying in a cockroach infested apartment with people she didn’t really know and he did not trust. Katelyn was unsure at first, but Wymack called her directly to ask for her help. Even though she wasn’t an official Fox, she had so much respect for their coach, especially after everything he’d done for Aaron, that she agreed to try it.

Kevin didn’t know why, but just the Foxes knowing how much he was struggling helped him feel better, even before Katelyn moved in. They all reached out in little ways, and Allison even invited him to dinner in two weeks when their teams were going to play each other in New Orleans. He realized that even though he had graduated from Palmetto, he was still, and always would be, a Fox. 

At first, Kevin and Katelyn were extremely awkward around each other, but only because they both felt so grateful. Kevin was glad someone was there for him to anchor himself to, while Katelyn was grateful to be living in a clean, gorgeous apartment rent free. They got more comfortable with each other as time went on, and Katelyn actually helped Kevin learn how to tolerate being by himself. 

She would plan times to be out of the apartment and helped Kevin come up with things to do to distract and soothe himself while she was gone. She introduced Kevin to yoga and taught him how to cook for pleasure, not just sustenance. When Katelyn’s year of service was over, she and Aaron went on a vacation for an entire week and Kevin was fine staying by himself the whole time. 

When Aaron moved to Chicago for med school he moved in with Kevin and Katelyn. It wasn’t strictly necessary for Kevin anymore, but he still preferred having roommates to living alone, and Aaron and Katelyn were happy to not have to take out more loans or rely on Andrew to pay their rent. The three of them had been living together for almost two years now, and it worked well for all of them. 

Kevin was startled back to the present by the chirp of a car door unlocking and the sounds of someone's footsteps echoing across the parking lot. He stood up from the bench, balanced on his tip toes, and started to deepen his breathing. He could handle this. All the times he’d felt like this in the past, he’d always gotten through it. He looked down at the key in his hand, and headed to the designated parking spot on the rental tag. 

When he reached the right spot he looked back down and the key and smiled at the crossed flags on the back that he hadn’t noticed before. Allison had gotten him a Corvette Stingray Convertible, painted orange. Kevin wondered if Allison was a little bit psychic and had known that Thea was going to dump him.

Kevin wasn’t really into cars like Andrew or Allison, but Corvettes had been his favorites since his senior year of college. He unlocked the car and squeezed his bags into the trunk before climbing in, but he had to put his exy stick in the passenger seat. The sleek lines and sound of the engine turning over reminded him of Kam. 

Kam was the first man that Kevin had ever dated. They got together the last time he and Thea had broken up four years ago. He had also been a history major, the semester they met they were in the same advanced seminar with only four other students. The professor required the students to collaborate on projects, which is how they ended up writing their thesis paper on the ethnic identities of slaves in Classical Athenian society together. 

Kevin had always known that he was attracted to men as well as women, but he hadn’t needed to be told that his life would be easier if he stuck to the opposite sex. It didn’t seem like a big deal most of the time because he had never actively wanted a relationship. It happened naturally with Thea and he was happy about it, but while he had always thought about sex he had never really thought about love before her. He told himself that he could get everything he needed sexually from women. 

But occasionally, Kevin came across men who were harder for him to ignore, and it always grated on his nerves. Kam was definitely one of those men, and Kevin was annoyed just by the sight of him. They had not gotten along well at first. Kam was popular, easy going, and seemed to be good at everything without really trying. He was tall but still an inch or two shorter than Kevin and muscular with dimples and short tight curls that he bleached but kept dark at the roots. He had an incredibly deep and sexy voice that made Kevin’s stomach flutter. He also had no interest in exy and only knew that the Foxes existed because he was friends with Nicky. 

Once they started working on their paper together it got harder and harder for Kevin to ignore just how strong his attraction to Kam was. He tried talking himself out of it. He was dating Thea, he didn’t hook up with men, and Kam was painfully not into exy. There was no way anything could happen between them. All their repressed interest and sexual tension boiled over when Kevin and Thea broke up, and they were together for four months until Kam had to move to Berkeley for grad school and they decided long distance wouldn’t work for them. 

The mechanics of Kevin’s relationship with Kam had been almost the opposite of how his and Thea’s relationship worked. Kam was strictly monogamous, but Kevin didn’t mind because they saw each other all the time. When they got together the Foxes’ season had already ended, and while Kam would let Kevin talk about exy as much as he wanted, he never really had anything to add. 

Kevin may not have been able to admit it, but he was enamored. He wanted to talk _with_ Kam, not at him. When Kevin saw the world from Kam’s perspective, it felt so completely different that Kevin believed he could do or be anything. He craved that feeling constantly, so they talked about things besides exy; history and their families and their lives and humanity.

The topic of their thesis opened up a lot of personal conversations. Kam’s parents met when they were in grad school in Seattle. His father was from Northern Ireland and his mother was African American. He grew up Catholic during the Troubles, and she could trace her ancestry back to Robert Smalls, a man who was born a slave, fought in the Civil War, and went on to serve in Congress. So Kam had a lot to say about ethnic identity and slavery. 

Kevin’s academic focus was ancient history and while he read some modern history for fun, he wasn’t as well versed in modern topics. Kam taught him about the Troubles and colonialism and the historical conceptualization of race, but in a way that was incredibly personal and intimate. In turn, Kevin opened up about his mother and what he could and couldn’t remember. He told Kam about being owned by the Moriyamas, discovering who his father was, and not knowing how to reach out to him. 

Kam was the one who put together that Kevin’s interest in ancient societies was, at least in part, a way to help himself make sense of his own life experiences. On one hand, it was hard for Kam to believe what happened to Kevin but on the other, the reason he was in this class was because his focus was on patterns in history. He was interested in what repeats and what doesn’t, how humans change and stay the same. He helped Kevin see his trauma through a new lens that ultimately helped him process it better. 

Being with Kam was also how Kevin learned he could be a whole person without exy. Kam showed him how different life could be. His varied interests and friends created a rich experience that Kevin could theoretically see himself replicating and still being happy. He never actually wanted to stop playing exy, but playing finally felt like a choice, not a necessity or default, and that was so much better. 

Kevin held on to as much as he could from their brief relationship, including Kam’s love of Corvettes. He had had a 1980 Corvette Coupe that he did all the maintenance on himself. Kevin thought of him sweaty and covered in grease and smiled to himself at the memory. 

He looked down at his phone to try and connect it to the car’s bluetooth, and saw his background photo. It was a picture of him and Thea facing off on the court from the last game their teams had played against each other. 

They had gotten back together three months after Kam moved to California. By then they were both completely different people than who they had been when they first hooked up in the Nest, but the backbone of their relationship was still, and always would be, exy and the Ravens. 

Kevin connected his phone to the car, pulled up the directions to the house, lowered the top of the convertible, and pulled out of the airport parking lot. It was a little chilly to be riding with the top down, but the cool air whipping around Kevin’s face felt good. He realized that he actually felt, not horrible.

He drove out of the city of Albuquerque on the highway, and soon he was surrounded on all sides by the desert. Kevin took a deep breath and noticed how good the air smelled. It was disorentating that he didn’t feel like the world was crumbling down around him. He and Thea had been together for three and a half years, and they had been dating off and on for closer to seven years. This felt different from any of their past break ups or vague separations though, and Kevin knew they weren’t getting back together this time.

He should be more upset, shouldn’t he? Kevin decided that it was probably best if he weren’t alone with his thoughts for too long right now. He chose Allison to call because out of his three best friends, (Allsion, Neil, and Andrew) she was most likely to distract him over the phone. She picked up on the third ring.

“Kevin! How’s the car? Do you love it? Do you love me? I know, it’s your favorite, I’m the best.”   
  
“You are the best Al.” Kevin’s voice came out dry, like he’d been awake for days but hadn’t spoken in all that time.

“What’s the matter?” Allison asked, all cheer and humor gone. Kevin only called her Al when he was in a really good mood, or a really bad one. 

“I don’t, it’s not,” Kevin struggled, he took a deep breath then said, “Thea broke up with me. She’s not coming.”

“She _what?”_ Allison sounded scary. She didn’t raise her voice but was somehow able to imbue danger through just her tone.

“Rafael’s mother died and she’s helping with the arrangements, and I guess things between us haven’t been great for a while now it’s—”

“Stop talking. Stop justifying. I cannot believe her! You don’t plan a vacation with someone then break up with them the day of, after they’ve already arrived! That is next level fucked.”

“There were extenuating circumstances—” Kevin tried cutting in.

“No. No! As your best friend and I get to be angry with her about this and you aren’t allowed to defend her. Sorry not sorry! But anyway, I’ll start looking at flights, Dan and Matt just landed and Renee is on her way to pick them up, but I should be able to get us there by tomorrow morning.”

“What are you talking about?” Kevin asked, but he already knew. Allison had booked the house for him so she knew it was big enough for an impromptu Fox reunion, and most of them were on vacation this week already anyway. 

Dan and Matt were both off, this March being one of the rare occurrences of Dan’s school’s spring break and the professional exy postseason break lining up. Renee had taken off work as well so the four of them could all do something. (The rest of the foxes had been invited but Kevin declined in order to spend time with Thea, and Andrew and Neil had also wanted some alone time. Aaron and Katelyn had exams coming up and Nicky and Eric couldn’t get the time off work.) Kevin thought the original plan had been something in New Zealand, but once Allison was injured that was off the table. Instead, they had decided to visit her in New Orleans and make sure she didn’t do anything too crazy while her leg was still in a cast, much to her chagrin. 

Allison ignored his question. “The rest of the monsters are your responsibility. I know Nicky won’t be able to make it but if we don’t invite him we’ll never hear the end of it, so make sure you at least text him, okay? Can you handle that?”

“Yes, I got it.” Kevin said, resigned. “Let me know your flight info when you can.” 

“Will do. And Kevin,” she hesitated and Kevin listened to the wind whistling through the car while he waited. “You’ll be okay.” she finally said. 

Kevin wasn’t sure if it was a promise or a demand, but either way he agreed. “I know, thanks, Allison.”

“Okay, good. I love you.” 

The call disconnected and Kevin checked the directions to see how far his exit was before calling Neil.

“Hello?” After five years, even with caller ID, Neil still answered the phone like he thought death himself might be calling. Kevin usually sent him a text asking Neil to call him instead, but it wasn’t really an option while he was driving. 

“Hey, it’s me, where are you right now?” Kevin asked.

“At your apartment actually. Andrew wanted to check in on Aaron before our trip. Why?”

“Where are you guys headed?” 

“Nowhere special, but again, I’ll ask why?”

Kevin sighed, “Allison decided to turn my vacation into a reunion. Can you guys make it to Santa Fe?”

“What about quality time with Thea?”

“She’s not coming.” 

“Oh.” Neil had obviously figured out what that meant for Kevin’s relationship, after a pause he asked, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Not right now, but thanks.” Kevin’s gratitude was sincere. He knew that Neil didn’t love discussing Kevin’s relationship issues, but Neil always offered whenever he thought Kevin needed it, and his offers were always genuine. His advice was usually pretty great too, even if his delivery was a bit harsh.

“Let me go talk to Andrew, Aaron, and Katelyn and I’ll call you back.”

The call disconnected and Kevin was once again alone in the desert. His ears were starting to burn a bit from the cold and the wind, but he didn’t mind. He looked out at the mountains on the horizon, at the fluffy white clouds suspended in the sky, and at the highway that seemed to stretch on indefinitely. He felt the power of the engine underneath him and pressed harder on the accelerator until it felt like the engine’s power had crawled up and settled inside of him. It made him feel in control of everything and open to whatever else the universe might have in store. 

His phone started ringing and Andrew’s name lit up the screen. Kevin released some of the pressure on the accelerator and accepted the call. “Hey.”

“Santa Fe, huh? Are we gonna open up a restaurant?” Andrew asked.

“What are you talking about?” Kevin had no clue what Andrew meant by that, and while he thought it was probably a joke, he could never tell over the phone with Andrew’s lack of inflection. It was hard enough to tell in person. 

Andrew ignored the question, “It’ll take Neil and I two or three days to drive there, Aaron and Katelyn are studying for exams so they’re not coming.” 

“Yeah, I figured. I’ll text you guys the address once I get there. You’re going to be jealous of my car.”

“Okay.” Andrew said and then went silent. Kevin knew Andrew didn’t really get jealous, but he didn’t think his insinuation that Andrew may feel an emotion is what was causing Andrew to hesitate now. It was funny, Allison and Neil had done the same thing when he spoke to them, before they brought up his reaction to the break up. Kevin was curious what Andrew could possibly have to say about it. 

“We could fly in sooner. If you need us.” Andrew said it the same way he said everything else, but Kevin understood the significance. He didn’t need Andrew’s protection anymore. The terms of their deal had long since passed, but Andrew would still be there for him. Always. And not because of a deal or some other transactional manipulation, but because they were important to each other. Kevin felt a warmth spreading through his chest.

“Thanks, but Allison and the others will be here in the morning, I’ll be fine.” Kevin looked down and noticed that his exit was coming up. “I’ve got to go, I’ll talk to you later.” Andrew didn’t say anything but hung up the phone before Kevin got the chance to. 

Kevin followed the GPS to the house, it was in the Las Dos area about 15 minutes outside the city center. Once he was off the highway the roads started getting narrower and more windy until he turned onto a private dirt road that took him up a hill. He pulled up to the adobe house and parked the car. Before he got out he made sure to send Andrew and Neil the address, and texted Nicky a perfunctory invite. Once that was done he put the top of the car up and went inside to explore. 

The house was beautiful. It was modern but designed in the Pueblo Revival style, with cream painted adobe walls, huge windows looking out to the Sangre de Cristo Mountains, vaulted ceilings with wooden beams, and multiple kiva fireplaces. It was decorated with persian rugs, heavy but comfortable looking antique furniture, and an impressive art collection including some genuine 16th century Renaissance pieces. There were three bedrooms in the main house and another in a casita a couple hundred feet away.

It would have been a lot of space for just him and Thea, but the reason they chose it was for the half sized exy court out back. Kevin walked out onto one of the patios to look at the property. It was too early in the year for the pool to be open but there was a hot tub and seating area here. He walked up to the railing and saw that there was nothing between him and the mountains except the court, and beyond that, acres of desert spotted all over with junipers. Looking out over the vacant land to the looming mountains, Kevin felt small. He started to feel a tugging sensation at the bottom of his sternum, but before it could really drag him down he saw the path leading down to the court. He couldn’t get to it from this patio, so he went back inside to continue exploring.

He looked into all the bedrooms and brought his luggage into the smallest one. Allison and Renee would have to share a room but they wouldn’t mind. He changed into the light pads he had brought, grabbed his stick, and made his way down to the court. He practiced for four hours, letting all his thoughts and emotions fade away, focusing completely on exy, until eventually, at around five thirty, he got hungry and had to stop.

As he showered and got dressed he thought about what he should do for dinner. Tonight was one of the few nights they had actually made reservations for, but Kevin didn’t feel like going to sit at a romantic fine dining establishment alone. He decided to drive into the city, walk around a bit, and try one of the more casual places from the list Allison had made for him. 

He ended up at a restaurant that served farm-to-table southwestern cuisine. There was a wait for tables, but since he was alone he was able to grab a seat at the bar right away. The acoustics in the restaurant were bad, every voice and clank of dishes seemed amplified and it was hard for Kevin to hear anything distinctly over the din. He ordered one of their signature drinks, a smoked sage margarita, and sipped it slowly while he waited for his food. 

Or he meant to sip it slowly, but with no one to talk to or distract him he ended up finishing the drink in a few minutes. The bartender noticed his empty glass and came back around.

“I guess you liked it, huh?” she asked jokingly, “Not to be rude, but you look like you could use another.”

“Yeah, that’d be great thanks.” Kevin said. He watched her as she worked, the drink involved lighting a sage leaf on fire and trapping the smoke in a cocktail shaker before mixing it with the alcohol and ice. She strained it into a salt-rimmed glass while eyeing Kevin before pushing it towards him.

“You’re Kevin Day, huh? Queen of Exy?” She said. Kevin didn’t have the energy to put on his public face, but she didn’t seem to be expecting him to. He took a sip of the drink before answering. 

“The one and only. This is delicious.” he said, taking another sip.

“I know.” She grinned, “What brings you to Santa Fe?” 

“Vacation.” Kevin grumbled and she laughed.

“Well, congratulations, you’re in the top ten most miserable looking tourists I’ve ever served.” 

“I’ll drink to that,” he said, taking another sip. “Although top ten is usually unacceptable to me.”

She laughed again. She had a great laugh, which was not something Kevin usually noticed. Before she could say anything else though she got called to the other end of the bar to mix some more drinks. Kevin watched her as she worked again. There was no fire this time, but one of the drinks had drops of liquid from five different little bottles and another involved a mortar and pestle somehow. Once she finished those two a waiter came up with another big order. She made all of the complicated drinks with no hesitation, occasionally dipping the end of a straw into one to pull out a taste. By the next time she had a lull in orders, Kevin had gotten his food and finished his second drink.

“Another?” she asked.

“Why not.” Kevin said, still watching her every move. Something about her quiet competence and easy demeanor relaxed him. “What’s your name?” he asked after she ignited another sage leaf.

“Noelia Reyes Olmo” she responded smiling. She finished his drink, placed it down in front of him, and put her hands on her hips. “Are you going to tell me why you are so sad la reina?”

He took a sip and sighed, “My girlfriend dumped me this morning and left me high and dry for this vacation.” Kevin was pouting, but in his defense the drinks were strong and he hadn’t eaten since his flight. Also, his tolerance had really gone down since college. He looked down at the plate of enchiladas in front of him and started eating. When he looked up Noelia was still there, watching him with a concerned look on her face. 

Before either of them could say anything she was called away again. Kevin kept eating and didn’t touch his drink again until he finished his meal. A busboy came and took the plates away, and just as Kevin was turning back to his drink Noelia came back. She propped her elbow up on the bar and rested her chin in her hand. Kevin noticed a wedding band on her finger.

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” she continued their conversation where they had left off, “what will you do now?” 

Kevin was feeling much steadier thanks to the food in his stomach and was able to answer her without an embarrassing display of emotion. “Luckily, my friends are also on vacation and are coming to my rescue.” He was in PR mode a bit now, his words and tone coming out more charming than was natural for him. It wasn’t a conscious thing, but he didn’t mind it if it helped him avoid the pity he had sensed coming from Noelia earlier. 

Unfortunately, she didn’t seem to be buying it. She still looked concerned as she straightened up, but all she said was, “You are very lucky indeed, to have friends who would change their vacation plans to come support you. When will they get here?” 

“Tomorrow.” 

“So what are you gonna do tonight?” She asked. In lieu of actually answering Kevin raised his eyebrows and took a sip of his drink as he shrugged. He was trying to reassure her with the playful response, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. “You shouldn’t be alone with heartbreak.” She said as she shook her head.

“I appreciate the concern, but I’ll be okay, really. I’ll probably just head back to my rental for an early night.” As he said it, he felt a little dread creeping into his tone at the thought of being alone in that big house, surrounded by nothing and no one but the desert and the mountains. 

“My shift ends at nine, and my husband and I are heading out to go dancing with some friends. Would you want to join us? No pressure,” she added, seeing him tense, “just in case you decide you’d like some company tonight.” Before Kevin could respond she was back at the other end of the bar again. 

He took another sip of his drink and considered Noelia’s offer. He would normally have refused immediately, but he was handling the break up surprisingly well so far, and going back to the house alone seemed like a good way to spiral fast. Kevin looked at his phone to check the time. It was almost eight thirty, but even after everything that happened today, he was surprisingly not at all tired. He had notifications of texts from Nicky, Allison, and Dan and decided to read them while he made up his mind.

Allison texts were to let him know that she couldn’t find an acceptable flight so she chartered a private plane. They would land in Santa Fe around 10 AM, but she already took care of travel from the airport so he didn’t need to worry about picking them up. Not that he could even fit them in the Corvette if he wanted to. 

Dan’s first message was a simple, “can’t wait to see you!” which she followed up with a “don’t forget to call Wymack” a half hour later. Kevin sighed. He knew Dan was right, but it still felt awkward most of the time to talk to Wymack about anything besides exy. Since it was ten thirty in South Carolina, Kevin figured he could put off the call at least until tomorrow. He wasn’t looking forward to it, but having a parent to call and update on his personal life felt strange in a not bad kind of way. It was still new, but he thought that he wouldn’t mind getting used to the feeling.

Nicky had sent him thirty texts since Kevin had texted about the Foxes coming to Santa Fe. The first dozen or so were all angry accusations that Kevin was conspiring against Nicky to plan things when he knew he couldn’t make it. Someone must have told him about Thea though, because the dozen after that consisted of Nicky apologising. They all had copious amounts of emojis, except the last three.

As he read Nicky’s last three texts, he felt his cheeks heat up and started squirming in his seat a little. Nicky told him that he was proud of Kevin and how much he’d grown since they’ve known each other. Nicky also said he believed that Kevin’s soulmate was still out there, and that one day Kevin would find them and be happy because he deserved it.

Kevin thought about the concept of soulmates. Someone out there in the world who he was cosmically destined to be with. Unfortunately, the first person who came to mind when contemplating that was still Riko. Not in any romantic sense, but for most of his life, Riko was the person who was always going to be at his side. Who’s life was completely interwoven with his own, who Kevin could never imagine being without.

He was snapped out of that triggering line of thought by Noelia putting a plate in front of him. On it was a small clay bowl full of what looked like mushed up french toast and dried fruit. It smelled like cinnamon and cloves and Kevin leaned closer involuntarily. 

“I didn’t order dessert.” He said.

“I know, it’s on the house. It’s a specialty we serve during Lent, capirotada, like a spiced bread pudding.” she said.

“I really shouldn’t,” Kevin started, but she cut him off.

“You get dumped, you eat dessert.” She pulled out another bowl from behind her back with vanilla ice cream in it. “I like it with the ice cream on top.” she said, and tipped the ice cream on without waiting for his response. It started melting on the warm pudding and Kevin couldn’t deny it looked good. He picked up one of the spoons she had brought and took a bite.

“Thank you,” he said with his mouth still full. It was delicious.

“Jesus, mind your manners, huh?” Noelia said. She started to turn away again but Kevin stopped her.

“I’d like to go out with you tonight, if it’s not too much of a bother.”

She turned back around and smiled at him, then picked up the other spoon she had brought and took a bite of the capirotada. “Oh course it’s not, I invited you didn’t I?” she said. “Mike should be here soon, my husband.” she clarified at Kevin’s confused look. “I have some stuff to finish up before I clock out though.”

Before she could go Kevin asked, “Why are you being so nice to me?” 

“Because you're famous and I want free exy tickets.” she said, waving her spoon in the air like that should be obvious.

“Oh.” Kevin said, starting to feel embarrassed.

“I’m joking! I’m joking!” she reassured him quickly, when she saw how he reacted to the joke. “I’m treating you the same as I would any other poor guy who was alone on vacation after getting dumped, I promise. You just looked like you could use some kindness.”

“Okay,” Was all Kevin said. He didn’t try to argue, because it was true. 

“Here’s your check,” She put the black folder in front of him. “I’m going to go finish up in the back, don’t go anywhere.” She said before ducking under the bar and walking through the employee’s only door.

Kevin finished his drink and had a few more bites of the capirotada. His thoughts returned to Nicky’s text about his soulmate, but this time he thought about Thea. He thought back to the beginning of their relationship, when he first started feeling like she saw and understood him in a way no one else did or could. 

He thought of how when they played exy together she would block him again and again, matching his skill and fervor, and his process of realizing that the same could be said of her off the court. He had marveled at knowing that whatever he shared with her she could take, and on top of that, she would turn it around and challenge him to share more and be more. He had never felt like being completely himself was too much for her to handle.

He thought of when everything new he learned about her made him tingle with excitement. When she shared the deepest parts of herself with him, he had felt awe at being wanted in her most sacred places. He had been amazed by the intricacies of her mind and the power of her spirit.

They had been in love for a long time, but she had been right on the phone. The last few months had been different. He still loved her, but not the way he had. Something had changed between them without him really noticing. His love for her had once felt like a rushing river, with rapids and eddies. Now it felt more like a lake; it was still the same water, but it didn’t have the same features. 

He wondered if Nicky was right, and there was someone out there who was perfect for him and would make him “complete.” He decided he didn’t like the idea. He appreciated what Nicky was trying to say, but he had spent too much of his life already as someone else’s other half. If someone else came along, and he felt the kind of love he had once had with Thea or Kam again, he wouldn’t deny himself that. But he didn’t need it either. 

He still had his lake of love for Thea, and another for Allison, and another for Andrew, and for Neil, and Wymack, and everyone else who was important to him. He would never again be alone the way he once was. 

He was jerked out of his introspection by someone’s hand on his shoulder. He turned around and saw Noelia. She had changed into a silver halter top and a denim skirt and had taken her hair out of it’s braid so it hung in waves around her shoulders. Behind her was a man Kevin assumed to be her husband. 

“This is Mike, Mike, Kevin Day.” She made the introductions. Kevin could tell Mike was a fan and trying to keep his cool.

“Nice to meet you.” Mike said, shaking Kevin’s hand.

“Likewise,” Kevin said, “Thanks for letting me crash your evening.”

“Are you kidding me?” Mike said, a little giddy. “This is so cool! You’re welcome anytime.”

Noelia gave Mike a soft smack on the chest, “Be cool, man.” she said to him, then turning to Kevin she added, “The bar isn’t too far so we were planning to walk, is that alright with you?” 

“Lead the way.” Kevin said. As they walked Kevin asked them about their lives, how long they had been together, what Mike did for a living, if they had grown up in the area. Soon the conversation turned to exy, and before he knew it they were walking into the bar.

Noelia saw their friends at a table towards the back, and they made their way over. The bar was crowded but not uncomfortably so, and as they headed towards the table Kevin looked around. It was a bit of a dive, made of adobe with strings of multicolored lights hanging everywhere and a long wooden bar stretching across the entire left side wall. There were tables spread out all across the main room and Kevin couldn’t see a dance floor anywhere, but there was an archway on the back wall that he thought probably led to one. 

They made it to the table and Noelia introduced Kevin to her friends, two other women and three men. Kevin didn’t feel like making small talk at the moment so he offered to get a round of drinks for the table. 

Noelia came to help, and after she placed everyone’s drink orders Kevin also ordered a round of tequila shots for everyone, and two for himself. She laughed as he took his first shot at the bar and patted him on the back. Kevin started a tab and they brought the drinks back to her friends, where they toasted and took the shots as a group. Kevin was starting to feel tipsy again and was glad when one of the women suggested they go dance right away. 

He followed her through the arch and found that instead of opening to another room it actually opened up to a courtyard. There were more multicolored lights strung across the roofs and a DJ in the corner. They walked on to the and the packed dance floor and started dancing, and Kevin let himself go in the crush of bodies around him. 

He realized he was actually happy to be here alone, to be able to only worry about himself and what he wanted, to meet new kind people, to just relax and have fun. The song ended and he kept dancing, not worrying about the past or future, completely in the moment. He danced with women and men, Noelia and Mike and their friends, and other strangers who approached him. 

As the night wore on he kept drinking and dancing, feeling healthy and free. Even though they were outside the dance floor was hot thanks to the crowd of dancers and at some point Kevin lost his shirt, but he didn’t care. As a new song started the crowd cheered in excitement. Kevin listened to the lyrics and felt them resonate in his soul. He tipped his head back and smiled, feeling better about himself than he could ever remember feeling before.

All the lights couldn't put out the dark   
Runnin' through my heart   
Lights up and they know who you are   
Know who you are   
Do you know who you are?

Shine, step into the light   
Shine, so bright sometimes   
Shine, I'm not ever going back

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This started as an idea for the reverse big bang that I decided I really wanted to write myself, I hope you enjoyed it! Also, yes, the art is based off the Lights Up music video, I tried to make him buffer and more Kevin-like but it was my first attempt at digital art so… please be nice to me lol.
> 
> I made a post on my tumblr [here](https://enifmiimfine.tumblr.com/post/630704699102920705/) with references I used for the rental car and house. They are both sexy as fuck I highly recommend checking it out. While you’re there feel free to drop me an ask with any questions, comments, or concerns, I have lots more to say about this fic. 
> 
> Big shout-out to Ely for all the support and encouragement, you’re The Best and I’m really glad I choked up the nerve to message you. <3
> 
> If you guys liked this, I had like 2k words about Kevin & Kam’s relationship that I had to cut but I’m working on making it it’s own story so look out for that! I’m also thinking about turning this into a series and writing a couple more stories of this trip but focused on the other foxes.


End file.
